I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
