So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
