How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
