how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i drank out of a bidet.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
