you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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