im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
