I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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