If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
