I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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