I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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