I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
