I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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