i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
