I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
