I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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