You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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