I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
