do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
