I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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