my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
