remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
