when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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