i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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