new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
