So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
