I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
