hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
