Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
