My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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