I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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