I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
