It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
