So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My bed smells like the plague
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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