Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
