i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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