I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
