What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i think my cat just said my name.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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