I like to think it a success when the cops are called
love makes seman taste better
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
