woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
