did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
