So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
