I think I won the penis lottery.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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