I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
