Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
