I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
