We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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