What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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