john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
