Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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