You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
