Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
